You’re ok with throwing money at your dating problem. You’ve decided it’s worth it. Peace of mind. Fulfilled dreams. Family. Future. Love. And more. But you haven’t got what you want. And you’ve heard that quote about insanity a thousand times, so you say….
Part 7: “I Need Help!” or, I Want a Coach
Remember when Seinfeld told George that he needed a whole pit crew to diagnose and correct his problems? Here you are.
- Dating Coach
- Life Coach
- Trainers (aka non-sexual escorts)(arranged by psychologists/[sex]therapists)
- Matchmakers
- Matchmaking Companies (Together, Great Expectations)
- Psychologist
- Psychiatrist
The issue here is that you assume something is wrong with you that needs to be fixed. Consider that not to be the case! Ok, you may have some issues, and the burnout of the dating scene may be taking its toll.
Some guys have all the luck
But you wonder if there must be something wrong with you if even the super-dork from High School has a lovely wife with three kids and a cozy home with a dog, and you don’t, or don’t anymore.
You wonder, “Why not me?”
Or, “Why him and not me?”
Because of all your internet work recently, you may have seen ads for beautiful ladies, and clicked on them. “Another Russian Bride site,” you say. Because men approach or consider this option last is why it is presumed that men who pursue a foreign bride are desperate failures on the dating scene, and there must be something wrong with them.
You’re not. To the contrary, you:
- Didn’t sell out to your interests or self
- Know what type of lady you want, and haven’t met her
- Didn’t “go ugly early,” or settle, or go BTN (better than nobody)
- Didn’t “dumb down” your online profile to cast ever-widening nets
- Don’t buy the notion that you’re too picky. Has anyone who’s said that actually been on the dating scene recently?
While remaining to thine own self true, you still have had no or unhappy, unfulfilling relationships.
Don Quixote got it. So can you!
You are also tired of being ripped off with false promises, wolves in sheep’s clothing, and too-good-to-be-true advertised opportunities. You’re resigned, cynical, depressed, angry, frustrated… and lonely. And still wanting to find someone. You are a courageous romantic! Or did you give up and decide to become a monk?
Your friends give you advice. Ignore them. They don’t know what is like to be you, or to experience your life. They don’t know how you feel when you go home at night. After a party. After New Years or Christmas Eve. After a friend’s wedding or his kid’s junior high school flute concert. To your empty house. Or a house with a child who hasn’t a mother, and that is not how you envisioned your family.
But you do recognize you are unhappy. And in America, unhappiness is like the red “Check Engine” light for your life. “uh-oh! I’m unhappy! Something’s wrong with me. Gotta go to a professional and get it cured!”
Dating Coaches are a new coach on the scene. They are a subset of Life Coaches.
One must be careful with people saying they are a Coach. In most states, there are no credentials. Sometimes, attending an evening Adult Education Class is all it takes. When interviewing a prospective Life or Dating Coach, ask what credentials they have. This is a tough question to answer, as there are few certifications of any merit in this field, and why they charge $100 – $150/hour, about 1/3 that of a psychiatrist. If they claim certification, ask for it, and check its credibility and value (or purchase price) on the internet or institution. Finally, ask what their last job was, why it ended/ they left it.
I was a high-tech engineering manager, and after a decade, hated it. The answer isn’t really the issue; it’s the passion and experience of the person behind it. My layoff from being a high-tech engineering design manager who had 20 people reporting to me was helpful in that it gave me time to start a new direction. While I loved developing the people who worked for me, and building processes in the company to improve project success and product quality, I got bored with and soon hated high-tech! I had already been assisting men in the Russian Bride Search arena for 10 years, and finally had the confidence to go ahead with it as a business—the kind with an EIN. I love helping people succeed. And hate when people get screwed for trying to do right.
Dating Coaches
Dating coaches come in a few varieties:
Let's get ready to rumble!
Good ones
- They assess your wants, behavior, and actions
- They practice with you the various phases from “hello” to wherever it goes
- They may even watch you or videotape you hen you are on the Singles Scene or on a Date for reference and coaching after the event
- They do not advertise in the hookup section in the local Going On Around Town magazine
- Have a background in psychology, sociology, or other behavioral sciences, probably a graduate degree, and studied these types of interactions. An understanding of statistics is a plus.
Bad Ones
You'll feel great until you go out that night and say "hello" to somone
- They pretend to be treehouse psychologists, evaluating your history and future
- They make you do goofy exercises like “mirroring” and “active listening”
- They majored in psychology, and then went into real estate after graduating
- Use their good looks as a recruiting tool
Does it matter if your coach has a spouse? No, although it helps if the coach were married or divorced. But be careful that the coach is not trying to guide you on what worked/didn’t work for him like a bobsled on a track. Nay-saying friends of yours will laugh and say if the coach is divorced, he obviously has bad advice. Really, that would imply only bad doctors get sick. An ended marriage does not mean a dating coach is not qualified. Consider good-ol’ Thomas Edison-style learning: One learns more from a failure than a success. And, has more commitment to success because he knows the cost of failure.
Does it matter which gender your coach is? Maybe. A lot of coaches use their beauty as their primary advertising and sales-conversion strategy. Avoid these. A coach is a tool for you to succeed. Look at the tools in your garage; the best ones, and the ones you work well with, tend not to be the shiniest. Finally, do not pick a coach who makes your bunnies hop like an Easter Egg roll contest. You will just end up asking her out, or asking for her clone. This is my Hot Coach Rule: Save yourself the time and money and effort and look for someone else!
What do I do? What CAN I do? Dating was supposed to be fun...
Maybe you think you’re a total flop on the social scene, or a dreadful disaster on a date. What if you could hire someone to give you feedback, like the women who assist others when shopping at a high-end clothier? A good idea. But if you talk to your pals about it, it invariably becomes “can you get a sex therapist?” Imagine: a woman to have sex (or date) with you, give you advice on how to improve, and your insurance will foot the bill! This is the stuff of movies. Not magical movies like Casablanca, but forgettable time-passes that entertain and are forgotten by the time you get home. And like those movies, you may end up prowling strip clubs and other things for those quick sugary highs. So even if you find someone “professional” or a FWB to help you out, don’t do it. If you are really the guy who wants someone special, you’re likely to form some attachment to one of the ladies, and your heart will be like a football field: just waiting to get trod upon with spiked shoes.
Before you get that desperate, you try the ads for Matchmakers, both individual and corporate. After all, those should have what online dating missed (quality control) and what speed dating missed (personalized matching to ladies I might want).
We’ll break here.
You’ve made good progress. You’ve recognized that conventional dating isn’t working. And maybe it isn’t your fault, but you are struggling with the circumstances around it.
Considering Coaches:
Benefit: You’ve recognized that conventional dating isn’t working. And maybe it isn’t your fault, but you are struggling with the circumstances around it.
Cost: Very high. You can pay thousands of dollars on by-the-hour rates with someone who may not have any training in what you need. Or, they may provide exactly what you need.
Cost/Benefit Analysis: If they can provide what you need, use them on a very short-term basis. All you will get is preparation. Which, is good, but you can’t take Preparation aside during company holiday party because her dress makes you hot.
What about Professional Assistance?
There are two types:
- Matchmakers and Matchmaking Companies
- Therapists, Psychologists, and Psychiatrists
