Welcome back from “Men’s Dating Series, Part 1: Least Effort”

Where we left off, you determined that your immediate network of friends and family was not going to generate romantic leads for you if you are deep in your 20’s.  And your friends and family don’t know any new people since the last time you asked them.

Part 2: Getting off my butt

It starts off not so bad.  You go places, like:

World's Greatest Flirt. If only it were this fun!

• Bars
• Clubs
• Parties
• Asking people other than my friends.  Like… my haircut gal
• Flirting in general (supermarket, launderette, lunch spots near work, etc. Or you send the lady at the other restaurant table a drink)

Flirting, tragically a truly lost art, worked well in the days of Cary Grant.  But not in this century.  Maybe your HR Director, the Security Guard, or waitress explained this to you.  Or, more likely your advances, though less outrageous than Pepé Le Pew, are met with scowls or cold inattentiveness.

When a man flirts nowadays, the results are less than ideal

This is when reality occurs to you: that world of fish out there is more chum that bait.  Nine of ten women you think are attractive are married or with someone.  The tenth has a line of men for her that you wonder if she’s the parking valet.  Loud bars suck because you can’t hear.  That is by design.  Loud music means shouting, which means sore throats and dry mouths, which means more drink sales.  As much as people say they don’t like to meet in bars, or date people they meet in bars, where do you think the majority of people in their 20’s hang out?  The same ones who are on average married by age 26-28!  Which means, by 30, at bars, you’re on the tail end of the distribution, chum.  At this point saying “all the good ones are taken” is statistically true.  Take notes the next time you go out.  Tick down all the ladies you find attractive, smile sweetly, laugh like they enjoy life, aren’t afraid to sing karaoke… and then tick out the ones who are married, engaged, or boyfriended.  What’s the ratio?

The new form of "Did you get her number?"

If you are very interested in finding out the volume women available to you for dating, and your success with them, in order to determine how long and hard it will be to meet someone, look into our Dating Demographics- Dating Data and Population Analysis.

Introductions by people-in-common work great for job requests on LinkedIn, but not for dating.  You start by talking about how you know what’s his name.  Either you progress wonderfully from there, or the alternative.  You spend a lot of time wondering: “What was he thinking that I would like her?” Or worse: “What does she think of me that she thought she would be great for me?”  Blind dating is painful.  It works in countries where marriages are arranged; those countries also frequently allow for concubines or multiple wives.  Think about it. And also think this: the other person is thinking those same things about you.  From your experience, what’s the ratio?  I know: you keep trying because it takes only one win and it makes up for the dozen losses.  True, but continually losing affects your confidence, and women say that confidence is the sexiest part about men.  Talk about leading with your chin in a fight.

Parties are the last gasp of fun.  They’re not the real world.  They remind you of the time when drinks were plentiful, as were girls who were available, happy, and emotionally baggage-free.  Some nights you luck out and meet someone.  Some nights you won’t.  When you meet someone, you will have to meet her in the real world.  The one where she has business trips and other personal things that interfere with meeting you.  (If you’re interfering with meeting her, you’re wasting your own time and shame on you!).  The one where she meets  you and isn’t that free and easy going gal you met.  She might spend half her time text messaging about that emergency at work that could cost the company $100,000 unless that thing gets done.  She might not be so quick to share a kiss, and you get pouty and weird about it.  Or vice versa.  The one where after two dates she tells you how wonderful you are, and then disappears as if she went on a nuclear submarine to Ice Station Zebra never to be heard from again.  Who knows?

You quickly learn how to read the ones who are still sleeping with their exes, or are not ready to date but try anyway.  Cougars prowl the perimeter.  You think: “Hmmm…haven’t seen anyone interesting (hot) enough.”  And some places are now disturbingly off limits.  After all, if you spend: 6 hours asleep; 1-2 hours at home showering, shaving, doing bills, calling mom; 2-3 hours commuting… you’re at work  80% of your “available” time 5 days a week!  Those few hours that aren’t working on the general social scene are too precious.  If you spend them all on the prowl you start turning into a vulture on a barstool.  Or the worst: you meet someone.  You click.  At the end of a seemingly magical evening, you exchange phone numbers.  You are introduced to a new term: GUD.  You are geographically undesirable, which means you are too far away, even though you would be the one doing the driving anyway. You won’t even have the chance to kiss her… goodbye.

Benefit: Sociable.  Can have friends with you.

Cost: Almost all your disposable time is spent around women who are probably not available for a date. Mileage, parking, drinks, possible dinner out (no time to cook if you’re on the town after work!) once or twice a week: easily $50, up to $100/week.  Any dates?  You’re up to $10,000/year!

Cost/Benefit Analysis:  Expensive, time-consuming, low probability of success—otherwise you wouldn’t be reading this.

Next, you follow someone’s advice to proceed to “Men’s Dating Series, Part 3: Free Online Dating”.