Part 7:  “I Need Help!” or, I Want a Coach

Remember when Seinfeld told George that he needed a whole pit crew to diagnose and correct his problems?  Here you are.

• Dating Coach
• Life Coach
• Trainers (aka non-sexual escorts)(arranged by psychologists/[sex]therapists)
• Matchmakers
• Matchmaking Companies (Together, Great Expectations)
• Psychologist
• Psychiatrist

The issue here is that you assume something is wrong with you that needs to be fixed.  Consider that not to be the case!  Ok, you may have some issues, and the burnout of the dating scene may be taking its toll.

Some guys have all the luck

But you wonder if there must be something wrong with you if even the super-dork from High School has a lovely wife with three kids and a cozy home with a dog, and you don’t, or don’t anymore.

You wonder, “Why not me?”

Or, “Why him and not me?”

Because of all your internet work recently, you may have seen ads for beautiful ladies, and clicked on them.  “Another Russian Bride site,” you say.  Because men approach or consider this option last is why it is presumed that men who pursue a foreign bride are desperate failures on the dating scene, and there must be something wrong with them.

You’re not.  To the contrary, you:

• Didn’t sell out to your interests or self
• Know what type of lady you want, and haven’t met her
• Didn’t “go ugly early,” or settle, or go BTN (better than nobody)
• Didn’t “dumb down” your online profile to cast ever-widening nets
• Don’t buy the notion that you’re too picky.  Has anyone who’s said that actually been on the dating scene recently?

While remaining to thine own self true, you still have had no or unhappy, unfulfilling relationships.

Don Quixote got it. So can you!

You are also tired of being ripped off with false promises, wolves in sheep’s clothing, and too-good-to-be-true advertised opportunities.  You’re resigned, cynical, depressed, angry, frustrated… and lonely.  And still wanting to find someone. You are a courageous romantic!  Or did you give up and decide to become a monk?

Your friends give you advice.  Ignore them.  They don’t know what is like to be you, or to experience your life.  They don’t know how you feel when you go home at night.  After a party.  After New Years or Christmas Eve.  After a friend’s wedding or his kid’s junior high school flute concert.  To your empty house.  Or a house with a child who hasn’t a mother, and that is not how you envisioned your family.

But you do recognize you are unhappy.  And in America, unhappiness is like the red “Check Engine” light for your life.  “uh-oh!  I’m unhappy!  Something’s wrong with me.  Gotta go to a professional and get it cured!”

Dating Coaches are a new coach on the scene.  They are a subset of Life Coaches.

One must be careful with people saying they are a Coach.  In most states, there are no credentials.  Sometimes, attending an evening Adult Education Class is all it takes.    When interviewing a prospective Life or Dating Coach, ask what credentials they have.  This is a tough question to answer, as there are few certifications of any merit in this field, and why they charge $100 – $150/hour, about 1/3 that of a psychiatrist.  If they claim certification, ask for it, and check its credibility and value (or purchase price) on the internet or institution.  Finally, ask what their last job was, why it ended/ they left it.

I was a high-tech engineering manager, and after a decade, hated it.  The answer isn’t really the issue; it’s the passion and experience of the person behind it.   My layoff from being a high-tech engineering design manager who had 20 people reporting to me was helpful in that it gave me time to start a new direction.  While I loved developing the people who worked for me, and building processes in the company to improve project success and product quality, I got bored with and soon hated high-tech!  I had already been assisting men in the Russian Bride Search arena for 10 years, and finally had the confidence to go ahead with it as a business—the kind with an EIN.  I love helping people succeed.  And hate when people get screwed for trying to do right.

Dating Coaches

Dating coaches come in a few varieties:

Let's get ready to rumble!

• They assess your wants, behavior, and actions
• They practice with you the various phases from “hello” to wherever it goes
• They may even watch you or videotape you hen you are on the Singles Scene or on a Date for reference and coaching after the event
• They do not advertise in the hookup section in the local Going On Around Town magazine
• Have a background in psychology, sociology, or other behavioral sciences, probably a graduate degree, and studied these types of interactions.  An understanding of statistics is a plus.

Bad Ones

You'll feel great until you go out that night and say "hello" to somone

• They pretend to be treehouse psychologists, evaluating your history and future
• They make you do goofy exercises like “mirroring” and “active listening”
• They majored in psychology, and then went into real estate after graduating
• Use their good looks as a recruiting tool

Does it matter if your coach has a spouse?  No, although it helps if the coach were married or divorced.  But be careful that the coach is not trying to guide you on what worked/didn’t work for him like a bobsled on a track.  Nay-saying friends of yours will laugh and say if the coach is divorced, he obviously has bad advice.  Really, that would imply only bad doctors get sick.   An ended marriage does not mean a dating coach is not qualified.  Consider good-ol’ Thomas Edison-style learning: One learns more from a failure than a success.  And, has more commitment to success because he knows the cost of failure.

Does it matter which gender your coach is?  Maybe.  A lot of coaches use their beauty as their primary advertising and sales-conversion strategy.  Avoid these.  A coach is a tool for you to succeed.  Look at the tools in your garage; the best ones, and the ones you work well with, tend not to be the shiniest.  Finally, do not pick a coach who makes your bunnies hop like an Easter Egg roll contest.  You will just end up asking her out, or asking for her clone.  This is my Hot Coach Rule: Save yourself the time and money and effort and look for someone else!

What do I do? What CAN I do? Dating was supposed to be fun...

Maybe you think you’re a total flop on the social scene, or a dreadful disaster on a date.  What if you could hire someone to give you feedback, like the women who assist others when shopping at a high-end clothier?  A good idea.  But if you talk to your pals about it, it invariably becomes “can you get a sex therapist?”  Imagine: a woman to have sex (or date) with you, give you advice on how to improve, and your insurance will foot the bill!  This is the stuff of movies.  Not magical movies like Casablanca, but forgettable time-passes that entertain and are forgotten by the time you get home.  And like those movies, you may end up prowling strip clubs and other things for those quick sugary highs.  So even if you find someone “professional” or a FWB to help you out, don’t do it.  If you are really the guy who wants someone special, you’re likely to form some attachment to one of the ladies, and your heart will be like a football field: just waiting to get trod upon with spiked shoes.

Before you get that desperate, you try the ads for Matchmakers, both individual and corporate.  After all, those should have what online dating missed (quality control) and what speed dating missed (personalized matching to ladies I might want).

We’ll break here.

You’ve made good progress.  You’ve recognized that conventional dating isn’t working.  And maybe it isn’t your fault, but you are struggling with the circumstances around it.

Considering Coaches:

Benefit: You’ve recognized that conventional dating isn’t working.  And maybe it isn’t your fault, but you are struggling with the circumstances around it.

Cost:  Very high.  You can pay thousands of dollars on by-the-hour rates with someone who may not have any training in what you need.  Or, they may provide exactly what you need.

Cost/Benefit Analysis:  If they can provide what you need, use them on a very short-term basis.  All you will get is preparation.  Which, is good, but you can’t take Preparation aside during company holiday party because her dress makes you hot.

What about Professional Assistance?

There are two types:

• Matchmakers and Matchmaking Companies
• Therapists, Psychologists, and Psychiatrists

• Friends of Friends, Family, Co-workers, People I Know
• Bars, Social Clubs, Parties
• Flirting, Random Encounter
• Online Dating
• Singles’ Parties, Mingles, Ladies’ Nights
• Adult Education Classes
• Dance Classes, Cooking Classes, etc.
• Speed Dating

So what to do next?  We’ve exhausted low-cost (or seemingly low-cost) options.  Let’s take some serious action!  The kind that my company would do when faced with a major problem!…

Part 6: Throwing money at the problem:

Adventure Clubs/Groups

Lunch Clubs/Groups

Dinner Clubs/Groups

You’ve seen their ads on local tv, radio, and magazines/newspapers/internet in the “Going On Around Town” section which you read when looking for another new place to meet that elusive woman. They cost $1500 – $5000 per year.  No, not the woman—the clubs!

Adventure Clubs, Lunch Clubs, and Dinner Clubs come in many forms.  Many of them, are cross-purpose.  Some offer a “Just For Two” option when the people in the office see a pair they think would be a great match.

I have been a member of these for over 10 years.  I will share my and other clients’ experiences, men and women.

Adventure Clubs

Adventure Clubs focus off of dating.  Why?  They know their dating product (Dinner or Lunch) isn’t getting people connected, so it’s the “low-pressure” approach.  Put 20 people together in a bus to go skiing, wine tasting, hiking, kayaking, etc. for the day.  Afterwards, people can put on their feedback forms people they would like to meet again.  People do get together and form friendships for the thing they’re into.  And the commonality of an important interest helps in making chemistry happen.  But the costs of the adventures is usually over and above the annual membership fees.

Dinner Clubs

Dinner Clubs set a group of “like” people together for dinner.  They promise sociological and psychological reasons for the number of people they place at a table.  They claim to match people together based on a collected set of common interests for maximum matching.  Mathematically, it sounds good: loose-packing, and let the atoms form molecules as they desire.  These evenings can be expensive.  Dinner, drinks (oh, you’ll need them, unless you find dining with 5 or 7 total strangers and being evaluated and having to be “personality switched-on” all night to be easy!), and probably parking.  As you arrive, you collect in the bar and then when your table is called, you go to be seated.  Often there are rules for seating, based on the shape of the table: alternate men/women for round tables, opposite or alternating for square/rectangular tables.  The restaurants may provide a house wine at the beginning to get things going.  But you will already know before you sit down if you’re interested in any of the ladies.  And the other guys?  Always in the way.   Here’s who they are:

• He’s trying to impress everyone, and pisses everyone off
• He talks about all the people he’s met (and became just friends, which is why he joined: all the women he knows throw him in the just friends category.)
• He tries to set himself as the big man on campus.  (Loser: he’s the big man in a group of people who aren’t meeting loving lives. )
• He’s probably a player
• He’s sweeping the first woman in two years you’ve met at one of these events you like right away into what he claims is his personal jet.  Bastard! Well, maybe by the time the holiday party comes, they’ll have broken up and you’ll see her again.
• Downer dude

And the women you’ll meet may include:

• Angry woman
• Multi-level marketer
• Cougar
• HR/Recruiter, looking to hire people and get a finder fee
• The person who is allergic to everything and uses only organic electricity when aligned with the planetoids in her astro-chart.  (My feedback card on this one said: “I’ve changed my first requirement [no smokers]. Now, it is women who shave their legs and armpits.”)

Here are tips I’ve learned from being in these clubs for 10 years:

• Arrive at least 30 minutes early, to survey the ladies from the other table, while people arrive and meet at the bar while waiting to be places/seated
• Be brutally honest in the feedback form about the people.  The likelihood the notes will be used for future matchings is small, but it will get it off your chest and you can go to sleep that night, and copy/paste it to email to your married friends who use your singleness as entertainment.
• Do not leave early.  People who skip out while going from the bar to the dinner table are either kicked out with no refund, or have a reputation that spreads across every table like spilled olive oil for the next year. Don’t be that loser.
• The conversations always begin with:
  • How long have you been a member?
    • This is a no-win, unless you are new.  If you have been a member a long time, people will ask you about people they like, or wonder why you haven’t met anyone inside or outside the club.
  • Why did you join?
    • Give your canned answer from eHarmony
  • How much did you pay?
    • Interesting!  More on this below
  • Have you met anyone?
    • Often asked by newbies who managed to get a lower-cost trial period
  • Any interesting stories (gossip)?
    • This is a disguised question.  It really is: “Why haven’t you connected with any of the other women here who seem to be like me?  Are you a loser?  Or am I going to be known as the woman who connected with that guy ?”

Why do these agencies seem to not match you to people who match you?

• They do not have enough clients
• They are providing business to the restaurant, probably getting a kickback
• They need to set up new members on lots of dates quickly.  If they are wowed by the attention from the main office, they tell their friends to join and get a discount… on their next year’s renewal! (Cynical question revisited: why would you need this?)

Longer-term members do not get placed much.  You need to demand it.  Why?  You’ve met all the people.  Someone who is a long-term client who has not met anyone knows too much about the organization, their lack of effectiveness, and gossip about people.  All are bad for business.  But the experienced ones will get calls like these, usually on short notice:

A common hook is the one-to-one pairing.  I’ve never had one.  I’ve been stood up on all, except one, which I don’t know if I can count.

I sat at the bar of a restaurant around the corner from my house, waiting for (let’s call her) Mary.  I received a text message from a buddy back home in New York that the woman who was my best friend in High School, and first kiss, passed away from a medical mystery which kept her in the hospital for 2 years.  The bartender gave me a free drink.  I thanked her.

Then, Mary comes to the hostess stand.  I recognize that it must be she because of the physical description.  “Hmmm… surprisingly accurate!  She really is slender,” I admire as I sit and wait for her.

She races to me.  She says, “Do you remember me?”

“Remember?”  I don’t think we’ve met.  We’re here to be introduced by—“

“From the Christmas Party in —-, you said…”

I didn’t listen to this, because during that year’s Christmas Party, I was recovering from a crumbled vertebra.  Party time meant showering without my mother’s assistance as I combated cancer, shingles, pinkeye, and fainting spells from withdrawal from the pain medication.  “I’m sorry, but—“

“Well, I just accepted this date because I wanted to tell you that you’re a jerk!”

She turned and strutted out harrumphing.

The bartender, who knew about me and my back, handed me another free drink.

Next to me, assembling at the bar, were people for a Dinner Club– the same Dinner Club! They all came up and asked what happened. You would think that this would be bad press for the Club.   And the woman would be strongly reprimanded.

No.  I was given, three weeks later, the reason (not apology) that Mary had had a bad day.  That was my last event with them.

Not to be a total neg-head, I did meet a wonderful lady through a Dinner Club.  There were two week’s of Valentine Free-for-All’s.  At the first, I found no-one, especially after the lady I was talking to heard her favorite party song and leapt on the table and started dancing like someone half her age and double her BAC.  She got down and asked me for another drink.  I balked, and walked.  The next week, she was at the after-Valentine Day mixer whispering in the halls and walls about me.  I got many “Are you the guy who didn’t buy so-and-so a drink?  Shame on you!”  This sucked, so I went to the bar to plan my next course of action: leave, or… leave.

At the bar was a blonde slumped over her glass.  Or sniffing it.

“What’s good on the wine list?” I asked

“Whatever’s in my glass,” she purred.  “This event is awful.  A bunch of gossips caterwauling about a guy who didn’t buy some floozy a drink after she burlesqued her lack of dignity on a tabletop.”  She gulped.  “I think it’s chardonnay.  Too cheap to tell.  The wine, that is, not me.”

This woman had a sense of humor!  I offered her a refill, to talk a bit.

“Sorry, gotta go.  Kitty needs her shots.”

I’ve heard that one before.

She gave me her card.  I called it because she had the best wit I ever heard.  Sucker.

She was happy to hear from me.  And her cat really did have diabetes and required shots at every meal and nighttime.  We dated for almost 9 months.  A wonderful relationship.  Which, her friends ruined by implanting jealousies into her head.  Soon, the end.

Observations:

• A relationship can fail at any time for any reason you don’t know or understand.
• She had also been on eHarmony.  We were matched.  I passed on her because her pictures were all Renaissance Faire stuff.  I didn’t want to date someone who would remind me of the horror of Freshman Year, where everyone runs around campus with an awful fake English accent reciting Monty Python and the Holy Grail lines to everything from “What pizza to get?” to “What is the integral of arcsin(x)?”
• She had been a member of the Dinner Club for a year.  Why hadn’t we been paired or seated together as a one-to-one or a dinner grouping?

Specific drawbacks of Dinner Clubs are:  they take all evening, they are event-costly, and you can spend a long time eating with someone/people you do not like

Lunch Clubs

Lunch Clubs evolved because dinners are expensive.  They may be one-on-one, or a group of four or six.  They are a shorter time period.  Less loss if you don’t get along.  Lower cost for the meals.  Less sense of having to smile politely to the boor across the table with you until you can finish eating and escape.  The most nationally-known lunch club, It’s Just Lunch, has been sued repeatedly for lack of honesty.  I know three people who’ve sued for lunch club memberships money returned.  All won.  Here is one case…

She has a PhD in the medical research field.  Sharpest wit and sense of humor this side of Dangerfield’s New York.  Shy and sweet, she is like the sister I never had.  Having been a student, post-doc, and professor for most of her adult life, she has little off-campus contacts.  She moved to a new area of the state, and wanted to begin dating.  She joined IJL.

She met and did not click with many men.  But, she continued to try.  She was paired with a man who was in the restaurant food delivery business, job description: “Regional Executive Manager for Perishables Preparations and Delivery.”  She assumed it meant he was involved with getting food from the farms, meat-packer, canneries, etc. to restaurants and supermarkets.  She inquired while on the date with him.

No.  He was a drive-thru operator.  With a criminal record for dealing drugs through such windows. He offered to take her to his place.  Not his apartment, but his drive-thru window, for lunch.

Another friend sued a Lunch Club because the women were not members.  They were paid escorts to meet the men.  He knew something was too good to be true because the women were too attractive to need to pay $2500/year for lunch dates.  The company did not have enough “interesting” women to keep men coming and refer the company to their friends.  So, they “outsourced.”  The in-person version of fake profiles.

What do all the Clubs (Adventure, Dinner, Lunch) have in common?

• They do not tell you their membership costs up-front.
• They will not share their member demographic data with you, citing privacy.  Is privacy broken to say “Yes, you’re suspicions are correct.  Only 35% of our members are women, and of those, most are more than 5 years older than you. The ones near your age or younger are all 40 miles away from you, and their interests call you GUD [geographically undesirable].”
• They cater to newbies
• Their annual fees are thousands of dollars.  Dinner Clubs can be over $4000/year.
• You negotiate your annual fee at your “interview.”  It can go up or down by $2500 based on which local office you join.  Women tend to pay less.  Problem is:
  • It’s illegal
  • By the time you found out women pay less (reason: the office hasn’t any women members) your membership check is already cashed
  • Screening-out is rarely done.  Have you heard of someone screened out of a Club?  It would make the news!  Sexism.  Racism.  Prejudices against religion, physique, political views, etc.  Remember the ruckus caused when Chemistry.com used eHarmony’s inability to create same-sex matching?

Some Clubs have “bring a friend” parties.  If you bring a friend, you get in for free (otherwise, a $20 – $40 fee).  What I’ve noticed is that the one I like is always the non-member.  Why?  Simple: Attractive women do not need to spend $3000-$5000 /year to meet men.  So, when you spend $3000-$5000/year, you won’t meet the woman you want there.

Summary of Adventure, Dinner, and Lunch Clubs

Lunch, Dinner, and Adventure Clubs all ask you for a lot of money, and your trust that they do indeed have many people you would want to meet, meet you, and connect with.  At least Russian Bride sites show pictures of women.  Are they real?  You wonder.  But you aren’t up to that yet.  So, should you spend thousands to meet a securely hidden trove of special ladies who are single, waiting to meet you, fascinating and charming, local, and hungry?

Benefit: You find out about places in your area for dating, trips, etc.

Cost:  Membership: Thousands of dollars per year.  Dinners/Lunches: pay per chew.  Special events (holiday parties, etc.) about $100 each.

Cost/Benefit Analysis:  Your time is worth much more than you’re spending.  This is a double-lose.  You’re digging for gold in an iron pyrite pile.

But, you’re desperate!   That High School Reunion, friend’s wedding, or whatever is coming.  Or you haven’t had a date, or sex, in too long!  What to do?

Rent-a-Puppy! That lovely stranger will love rubbing noses and being pawed, but not by you

That’s crazy.  You wonder if you need help.  Professional Help.

Dating is a struggle

Welcome back from “Parts 3 and 4: Online Dating”

Where we left off, you learned that online dating is much more expensive than you thought, very time-consuming, and you face an uphill competitive battle for the ladies’ attention.

Part 5: Events Dedicated to Singles (Singles’ Events)

• Singles’ Parties
• Singles’ Night Mingles at bars/restaurants
• Ladies Night (Its own antonym!)
• Adult Ed classes on Dating
• Dance/Cooking Class
• Speed Dating

Do you really enjoy these events?

Singles’ Parties are when you swallow cheap booze and your pride and wear that sticky nametag which reads, “Hi, I’m <my name>” and in invisible printing it says: “and I’m embarrassed to be here”.  Cougars come out from the perimeter.  Must be the scent of the sticky nametag glue or marker.  Do you want to be her Cub?  You pay your $20, sign in, enter the room, and scan for women like a U-boat captain.  But it isn’t 1942—no Happy Time for you, Herr Kapitan.  You go to the bar and drink crappy wine or pay a lot for better than house quality booze.  It seems like all the phone numbers you get are really because the woman is selling you some kind of product or service or multi-level marketing thing.  Vietnamese health juice, financial services, soap, website development, customized greeting cards, etc.  After a few events where you didn’t see many “targets” you try to lollygag in the lobby watching ladies go into the event before plopping down your $20.  You do anyway, and after more events you swear, “I’ll never do this again!”  But, like your promise after your first hangover, you do.

Singles’ Nights at bars or restaurants are designed to get people to come and buy food and drinks.  They are scheduled for historically slow nights of business in the food industry: Tuesday/Wednesday.  If they are Friday, it is a precursor to another event, and they are using you to fill up the place so that people out on the street think the hideous band or dj is awesome (because there’s so many people in there!) and will wait on a line to pay a door fee.

Is this you on the dance floor or in the kitchen?

Dance classes? After your senior prom, is the answer to the Beach Boys’ question “Do You Wanna Dance?” is No.  You are going for one reason only: to meet women.  Women are going to learn how to dance.  And they learn how to dance by dancing with a man who dances better than you.  They get annoyed by dancing with you.  Unless she is a cougar, and thinks you’re her next cub.  Do you really really really want to learn Brazilian Tango?  Or do you just want to meet a woman for a date?  Do you really really really go to the food store to buy oil filters for the car?

Cooking Class is a good idea.  You learn some good stuff.  I enjoyed it.  But all the women I met there said they were learning to cook because they were getting married and didn’t know how to cook, and thought they needed to learn.

Ladies Night… have you noticed that there are no women at Ladies’ Night?  It’s a classic trick.  If women drink for free, then they will come, and when there are lots of women, more men come!  And drink!! Question: Do women need to buy drinks?  Only the ones you’re not interested in.  The women you want never need to buy their drinks anyway.  And at Ladies’ Night, the room will be flooded with too many guys hitting on them and ruining their conversation with their girlfriends, so they don’t go.

Adult Education? Sounded much better at first thought.  Ok, so maybe the class will have people who are single!  You’re focusing your effort on where single women will be.  No boyfriended, engaged, married but visiting my friend, or swingers.  The courses meet one or two weeknights or Saturday afternoons, and are from $20 to $80.  The instructor provides home-spun philosophy, or general advice from his or her personal coaching business.  Many of these instructors are using these classes as promotion for their coaching business.

Maybe the Adult Ed instructor will ask a question like, “Who’s attended a speed dating event?” No hands in the air?  I know why: Maybe you haven’t attended; you’ve attended and won’t admit it. My bet: the second choice.  Here is How Speed Dating (Doesn’t) Work.

How Speed Dating (Doesn’t) Work

You (and a friend who goes with you to keep your spirits up) go to a restaurant or bar with a side room.  As you’ve learned from Singles Events, you get there early to scope for targets.  There are a few pretty gals in the room.  (Add them into your Dating Data experiment.)  At some point in time, the door opens, and you go in and write your name on a sticky label tag with a cougar-attracting scented marker.  And a number.  This is your “code.”  You go to a table with a little flag with your code number on it, and there is a woman there.   As you scan the room for whether the cuties outside are now inside (and the woman at your table is doing the same), the event coordinator explains the process:

• You will have 3 to 5 minutes to talk with each other
• The bell rings, and you go to the next table.  No lollygagging!  Go to the table plus one from you.
• There are x tables.  When you get to x, your next table is #1.
  • Everyone looks at the people at Table #1. This is your moment to shine!
• Write your notes about people you meet on the paper in front of you.  Put your name, phone number, and code number on it now.
• Good luck.  We start… now!  (ding!)

You scribble on the paper your name and number.  You try to talk with the person.  The bell rings.  You stand up and…

• The one cutie in the room is being hogged by a guy who won’t move onward
• The woman sitting at the next table already rolls her eyes about you
• Or vice versa
• You sit down
• You avoid the drink or appetizer plate left behind by some other guy.  Sloppy seconds?
• You write notes about the previous woman
• She is writing notes about the other man
• You’re interested in what she’s writing, or what the woman at the previous table is writing about you
• The woman across from you is eyeing your notes about her competition
• You talk
• The bell rings, and you do it again!
• And again and again, fifteen, twenty times in a night
  • Maybe there is a “blank” where someone didn’t show up.  Your adrenaline is racing (hopefully).  It feels like you’re in the penalty box at the Stanley Love Cup Playoffs.  But create for yourself a more enjoyable context: you can catch your breath or order a drink!  I always ordered two: one for now, one to carry along.

Are you good enough?

What happens in the brief few minutes of talking?  Most women have prepared questions.  I’ve seen laminated cards with questions!  This isn’t bad; it keeps her “on task” to using good questions to find out about you, and not be distracted or dulled by someone’s nauseating cologne, her too many/few drinks, her lack of dinner.  However, this also has her completely dominate the interview—I mean, discussion.  Can you get a question in edgewise?

Yes, I do mean interview.  Speed dating is like a job fair, going from table to table handing over your romantic resume to be judged and evaluated.  After all, we know that people make their initial impression within one minute, and finalize it within three.  After that, all the talk is listened through the filter to pick out things to justify the decision already made.  This is the rational mind at work, supporting the emotional mind, which is how all purchase decisions are made, be they a date prospect, job hire, car, snack food, or music download.  Wonder why the M&A mantra is: “sex sells?”  Why else do software companies put sexy women on billboards?  What is so alluring about version 32.3.twenty-seven of a program which simulates transistor circuits?  So why is that slinky brunette in the picture… doing nothing?  She’s not doing nothing; she’s selling.

The women will ask you these most-common questions at each table.  Practice your answers in advance and trim them time-wise so you can get your offense on the field:

• What do you do for a living?
• How long have you been there? (Or some other question aimed at your overall professional experience.  She has a friend in HR who can take your degree, job level, and experience, look it up on the salary tables, and turn you into a $number.  Another similarity between speed dating and interviewing.)
• Do you have kids?  Or want them?
• Tell me about your last relationship.  (In 36 seconds? Sure.  No time-outs?)
• Have you been married?

Like every interview, you should have prepared questions.  Try these:

• Tell me about your parents, their relationship with each other, and yours with them
  • According to the CDC, a prime factor in the stability or longevity of a woman’s marriage is whether she comes from a single- or dual-parent home.  Also, she is likely to repeat her mother’s relationship in her search for a first husband.
• What is your approach about food?
  • You care about this.  As Samuel L. Jackson says in Pulp Fiction, if your woman’s a vegetarian, then you are too.
• What are your habits about money?
  • Money is the number one cause of marital problems.  Infidelity is caused by other problems (like money) which surface as cheating.
• Name two cultures which you have no interest in.
  • An “honesty” question.  Unless she is Mother Theresa, there has to be someone, somewhere who annoys her or at least she doesn’t care about.

These are rather up-front questions for a date.  Yes.  The point of speed dating is rapid filter-out.  You probably wouldn’t use these questions on a First Date with a woman met from previous methods.  You will need to work up to these through endless hours of talking about Dancing with the Stars, Lost, and other crucially important things. This is where Russian women differ from American women: Russian ladies like to get to these “real” issues quickly.

If during the evening you start to hear music in your head, listen.  It sounds like Gerry Rafferty and Stealers Wheel:

Well I don’t know why I came here tonight,

I got the feeling that something ain’t right,

I’m so scared in case I fall off my chair,

And I’m wondering how I’ll get down the stairs,

Clowns to the left of me,

Jokers to the right, here I am,

Stuck in the middle with you.

After the rotations portion of the evening, you give your notes paper to the coordinator.  You are encouraged to mingle while the papers are tabulated for mutual interests.  Your mingling is confined to the speed dating room, not the other part of the restaurant where all the ladies you were checking out at the beginning of the evening may or may not still be sitting.

Just when you thought it couldn’t be more awkward, it does!  Here you are, trying to mingle with the one or two ladies you liked.  And so is everyone else.  And she has written opinions about all of you and is waiting to find out if the guy she likes is interested in her.  What do you say?  “Hi, what did you write about me?”  Actually, this is the perfect question.

After the event, you will be exhausted, hungry, with a headache.  Maybe you will have a dessert with one of ladies.  Score!  Odds are against it.  If speed dating were so successful, why do people groan at the mention of it, and be embarrassed to admit they’ve done it?  Speed dating has become so unproductive, that now you can speed date online!  From the safety of your house!  You save mileage, parking, bar and restaurant bills.  You learn how to use your webcam, but stay away from those Niche sites after the event flops.  The women in the Russian Bride ads start to look tempting.  Take a peek?  There are a lot of Russian Bride agencies.  How do I sort them all out?

Benefit: You get the t-shirt that says, “Been there; done that”

Cost:  Your self-respect

Cost/Benefit Analysis:  Not worth it

So what to do next?  We’ve exhausted low-cost (or seemingly low-cost) options.  Let’s take some serious action!  The kind that my company would do when faced with a major problem!  Part 6: Throw Money at the Problem!  Adventure Clubs and Dinner Clubs.

Welcome to Part Two of Online Dating.  Last time, we looked at the cost of Free Online Dating sites.  Now we look at the upper-class side of this neighborhood.

Regulated, or “Paid” Online Dating is a cleaner neighborhood than unregulated (“Free”) online dating sites.

• Ads and the upsell draft towards Adult/Niche/Cam are absent
• Memberships are screened before the profile is approved
• Complaints about inappropriate behavior either online or in person are taken seriously
• The extensive profile process weeds out people who aren’t serious about using the site to meet someone.

The automatically generated profile personality assessment is surprisingly accurate.  I created an eHarmony profile, used it (for years!) and had a professional psychologist review my assessment; it was spot-on.

These sites offer products.  And have monthly fees.

The cynic in me asks: if these sites were so interested in having you meet someone, how would they stay in business if they were effective?  If you meet someone, you cancel your account and their monthly revenue drops.  If you think you can keep it purring in the background while you’re dating someone: think again!  Women are experts at finding your tiger tail trail on the internet.  Companies are dedicated to assisting them on finding out all about you.  Ok, if you find someone, you’ll tell your friends, “I found someone great using website xyz!  Have you heard of it?  Check it out!”  Unless they live on the moon, they already know about the major sites.  If it was a smaller site, more dedicated to a community (e.g., jdate) they probably already know about it, too, by asking all those already-taken ladies (or the guys who know them) how they met someone and how he could meet someone like her too.  See?  It is ok to go onto a website to find a good woman because someone else did, and she isn’t a “download.”  (Remember that when we talk about Russian Brides.)

But the user model of Paid Online Dating sites is the biggest problem I see to their effectiveness for you.

These sites send you limited numbers of matches, though regularly.  You read through profiles.  Then go through multiple communication stages before you can get contact information and arrange Date 0.  To get best use out of a site like this, you need to be on it at least a few nights a week.  Women will close you out if you don’t respond quickly.  Or, one of the other guys in their pipeline will be their bright shiny object… for a month.  But that is enough for you to get closed out “I’m seeing someone else.”  Hey, at least they get back to you, unlike all those resume submissions when job searching.  So, you will be on a few nights a week.  And, you will be on 30-60 minutes a session, even if you use canned responses to the essay questions.  You will have many more coffee dates (Date 0) than the Unregulated sites will offer.  But the funnel will get you.  Let’s use the “funnel” concept from sales.  After all, in the dating world in America, you are selling yourself, looking for a buyer.

The total cost of online dating. Time to bring in the big equipment!

Derivation of time and cost to meet that special someone using a multi-stage match-to-meet process.

First, let’s look at the numbers.  Then, we’ll determine the time.  Then the cost!

These are data collected by our scientists.  We’ve collected the data from many members of eHarmony, and other similar sites which use a similar multi-stage process.  You can use your own based on your empirical data from your life.  These data are taken from the male-rich environment of the San Francisco Bay Area.

Here you go!

In your account you get a handful of “matches.”  You look at them.  How many will you need to get to a “decision point” about a relationship?

• One in five matches will be interesting to you  (1/5)
• You will interest one in five matches  (1/5) [1/25]
• Mutual interest match does not “fadeout” during stages between “Guided Communicate” and “Contact Details” (1/4) [1/100]
• Open Communication -> Date 0 (Coffee Date)  (1/2) [1/200]
• Coffee Date -> First (real) Date.  Feel that chemistry “click”?  (1/4) [1/800]
• One in four First Dates will turn into a Second Date (1/2)
• Second Date -> Third Date (relationship prognosis) (1/3)
  • Recap: from Match Notice to Date 3: 1/4800

Wow!  You’ll need 4800 match listings to get to an interesting Date 3!  How long will that take?

If each week:

• Online system down or maintenance mode when you’re online: 1 night
• You forget: 1 night
• You’re busy, working late, sick, at the gym, using the other online dating site, etc: 1 night

Then you can be on the system 4 nights a week.

Maximum new matches/day: 7 (eHarmony)

Maximum new matches per week: 28.  Per year: 1,456

Ok, so in a year, I can be matched to 1500 ladies.  Of those, what will happen are:

1,456 matches * 1/200 = 7 Coffee Dates

7 Coffee Dates -> 2 First Dates

2 First Dates -> 1 Second Date

In one year, your result is: one serious Second Date.  But, you need 4800 match listings to find someone who will be a relationship beyond 3 dates. (see Dating Demographics to examine how things progress after the first few dates)

Well, it looks like at this rate, it will take 3 years.

What did you do to find her?

• Account creation time: 2 hours
• Account maintenance (search setting updates, etc.): 30 min/month. 6 hours/year
• Four nights a week, at an average of 45 minutes: 3 hours/week, 156 hours/year
• Coffee Dates: One hour (less is rude, more is great unless you’re not interested in which case you’re wasting your time and leading her on), plus driving and telling your friends about it: 90 minutes each.  7 of them.  10.5 hrs/year
• First Dates: two hours, plus driving and telling your friends about it: 2 ½ hours.  2 of them.  5 hours/year
• Second Date: one hour, plus driving and telling your friends about it: 3 hours

Time: 183 hours/year

And how much did it cost you to find her?

• $19.95/month.  $240/year = $720
• Coffee dates: $5 each x 7 = $35/year = $105
• First Dates: $60 each x 2 = $120/year = $360
• Second Date: $100/year = $300
• Your time:  183 hours @ $50/hour (if your salary is $100,000): $9150/year = $27,450
• Total cost: $28,935

Including the cost of phone calls (or bar drinks) to tell your friends about your experiences, let’s say a flat $30,000.

To summarize, using Project Management metrics: to find someone for a serious relationship beyond Date 3:

• Result: find someone for a serious relationship beyond Date 3
• Effort level: Four Nights a week, ~45 minutes each
• Duration: Three years
• Cost: $30,000

To reduce the duration according to the calendar, you multitask.  You try more of the above, in parallel!  Two unregulateds.  One regulated, one not.  That’s why most men are on more than one site.  Darn that auto-renew on the credit card form entry! You’re meeting crazies, women you don’t click with, and women you like but fade out on you.  And all this time, whether you’re active, resting, or hiding, you are paying over ten thousand dollars a year for this insane “pleasure.”

Incredulous! You say.  What about the testimonials? And the people I know who met online?

Ask them how much time and effort they went through.  Also, it is much easier to find people who succeeded than failed because the ones who failed don’t wear shirts that say “I ran the funnel online and met nobody.”  It is like assuming it is easy to win the lottery because you know more people who won the lottery (they’re interviewed on tv) than those who admit to losing (just about everyone).  It should work.  You want it to work.  I wanted it to work, and a lot sooner than the years I was in it.  My clients wanted it to work.  And we were disappointed.

eHarmony was the major model for this study.  I found their “voting” on the quality of the match feature to actually improve my interest in the matches sent to me  So, my 1/5 “interest in her” improved.  That made me happy, until I noticed over time that as other ladies used it, I sometimes had less than seven new matches in my in basket each day.  So, it balanced out.

One final thing I never understood about online dating.  When I did meet a woman from online dating, I was shocked that she did not know simple things about me from my profile.  (Hah!  You thought I’d say things like the age of their pictures, or that they lied about their age, height, weight, and smoking habits.)  While the outside of my face would smile and nod, the inside of my head was screaming, “Did you not see that part of my profile that says my age, or the town or zip code where I live?  How can you suddenly be bummed that I live or work 40 miles away, after you’ve read my profile, or even swapped emails or phone calls prior to meeting?”  I know you’re thinking: “It’s an excuse.  A nice way to say ‘no’ without hurting your feelings.  She wouldn’t react that way if she were interested in you.”

Nope.  The data does not support that.  I’ve asked, “Is xyz a surprise to you?  Did you see it in my profile?”  I was getting info for my Profile Optimization Plan (“make your profile POP in three months!  Five times as many connections!  Just an extra $9.99 a month!  Click here!”).  For this reason, many men in the San Francisco/Silicon Valley/Bay Area get a cell phone in San Francisco, without living there.  Anything other than 415 area code is GUD (“geographically undesirable,”  Hmmm… Russian women don’t have this concept).

With this article and the previous article on free sites, you now know all you need about Online Dating.

Benefit: You learn what you want in a relationship partner; collimate your search pattern and relationship needs; practice meeting and dating a variety of women

Cost: $10,000 – $15,000/year, especially when considering the cost of your time

Cost/Benefit Analysis: Give it a try, but limit yourself to six months

Now you know the TCO: total cost of online dating.  See how it compares to “Part 5: Events Dedicated to Singles.”

Welcome back from “Men’s Dating Series, Part 2: Getting Off My Butt”

Where we left off, you decided to try online dating.  Back in the 1990’s, only losers went online.  But, online dating has gained credibility.  More people say they go online than going to a more intensive and seemingly expensive step.

Part 3: Free Online Dating

There are multiple flavors of online dating.  None of them work.

Online dating can be separated into the following:

All of the Dating sites proclaim to help you meet someone.  Consider their mode of operation, business model, and corporate model.

Inside Unregulated Online Dating Sites

Unregulated means anyone can (and does) sign up.  This is where you hear horror stories from your friends about the person they met online.

Over 80% of active profiles on online sites are men.  Of the women, many are fraudulent.

Why do the sites keep fraudulent female profiles?  They are usually beautiful women, which attract men to sign up!  And you though the only fakes were Russian Brides!

Does a woman this attractive need to look online for a date?

I am looking for a man who like movies and dinner.

Any age is ok.

Sense of humor is good!  Also, if you can help me with my computer I will be very happy!

I like dogs, walks, hiking, indoor activities, outdoor activities, activities in between, and in outer space.

Still reading my profile?  Please send me money for my college tuition.  Did I mention I like older men?

I only look like a Russian tennis-player superstar.  I am not her.

I am so happy you spent extra money to get higher in my email inbox so I can find you.

Where have you been all my life? Meet you soon!

If you can send a message to someone for free, you are competing against thousands of other men to get into the woman’s inbox.  Consider that an attractive woman receives hundreds of messages within the first day or two of her profile.  If you were too busy at work to notice the instant her profile went live, and saw her when you got home, you’re message 6000.

Be careful about completely free sites, like craigslist (aka craigslust).  Because you “surrender” your right to expectation that the profiles are legitimate, such sites are a playground for scammers.  Sure, normal, nice people can be there.  Unfortunately, they will be drowned out by the scammers.  Scammers can be anything from a paid escort, getting spam, meeting someone who wants not to date you but sell you multilevel-marketed soap, or email you all about her poor mother in the hospital and she needs money sent to the following url.

On other sites, you can create a profile for free.  But to send a message to someone, you need a paid membership.  Most sites allow someone to respond to a received message regardless of your membership level, so that the paying customers feel they get something for their money.  If you are a paying member of the site, you will be message 300 in her inbox. Again, of paying customers, over 80% are men, hence the revenue efficacy of fake profiles!

Online dating sites want you to continuously log in.  They send newsletters and “new matches” emails regularly as part of their online marketing plan—I mean, customer service.  In the match-grams, you will see the new people who match your settings.  Will you end up in her match-gram?  Only if you meet her match settings.  So, you are being shown women who may or may not be interested in you from the get-go. Why don’t the match-grams do mutual matching?  That costs compute-farm processors.  Yes, but wouldn’t there be fewer emails?  Saving money on email servers and risk of being marked as a spammer by ISPs?  Yes, but sending you useful (women whom you would like and they would like you) email is not the purpose.  Sending you email with pictures of women you want so that you go back to the website is the purpose.  The more you go back, the more chance you will take out your credit card or press the “Buy Now!” button and be charged to your stored card.  If you get fewer matches, then there is fewer email in your inbox, less opportunities for revenue from you.  Don’t you feel taken advantage of?  And you didn’t even leave the house to go to that crappy singles’ event!

Help me meet that profile hottie! I'm tired of being overlooked!

Quickly, you wonder why you don’t get responses from people you write to.  You are presented options: new features described in the newsletters and copious ads for upsell items.  Cyber gifts like roses, candy, drinks, winks, hearts.  Highlighting your profile in yellow backgrounds, or promoting up to the top of the match-gram or search-results list.  These features are available one-time with that “Buy Now!” button, or by enhancing to a higher membership level.  Is this dating or search engine optimization?  Dating or Google AdWords/AdSense?  At least it isn’t a dating-job interview.

You know you’ve walked into one of these sites when your free profile asks for a credit card number.

To increase your time on the site, which directly relates to the likelihood of your upgrading membership levels, a constant barrage of new features to assist you in contacting that beauty.  There is the Who’s Online Now box, widget, or feature.  Live text or video chat.  Free to get you hooked; paid after a week or few. You figure (and so did their Product Manager) that if the good ones won’t/don’t respond to your messages because you’re too far down in her inbox, you can catch them live!  You buy.

Online Dating sites also have products.  E-books, webinars, live chat with a dating guru all designed to tell you things you:

• probably already know
• consider trite and can’t believe you paid for it
• could easily learn by watching an episode of Millionaire Matchmaker

Plentiful are ads for additional websites.  Question: Why would a dating website have ads for other dating websites?  Does Coca-Cola have posters for Pepsi in the lobby?

Answers:

• They are affiliate ads or Google AdSense ads.  You click through and/or sign up for something; they get paid.
• The company owns those sites.  You click through and go up to the next level: from Dating to Adult; from Adult to Niche/Cam.  This uses the combination of the man’s frustration with lack of results and the high probability that he will once again take out his credit card.  Companies make ten times as much money on Adult as they do on Dating.  And ten again for Niche/Cam.  In other words, Dating is the gateway drug to hotter and higher-priced cyber action.  And often these ads will scream “Hot Russian Girls” and give you the idea that Russian women on the internet are “bad”.  Why Russian girls in these ads?  They are the most beautiful, as declared by Vice President Joseph Biden and the Web Analytics person determining which images to use for the ads.

If a Chihuahua in a Santa suit got higher clickthroughs and conversions, that image would be there. That tiny piece of webpage real estate is all about the click and the payout.

Attracts your attention, yes?

Or is this image more interesting to click on?

How much will you spend on Online Dating in a year?

Cost:  Base monthly fee: $20-$40.  Upgrades and upsells could bring you to $50.  And most likely you’re on two sites.  That means $1000/year.  If you meet someone for your coffee date, add mileage and coffee.  The auto-renew will keep your credit card pinging monthly while you’re on that date.

Benefit:  Entertaining stories to be the center of your married friends’ attention.

Cost/Benefit Analysis:  You remind your married friends that they have it better than you.

Two questions:

1. If you meet someone, the company will lose its monthly fee.  How much in the company’s best interest is it that you meet someone?
2. Regulated Online Dating sites seem “cleaner”.  Will those work?

Answers:

1. I like the way you think!
2. Read the next article: “Men’s Dating Series, Part 4: Online Dating—Why Doesn’t a Site Like eHarmony Work?”

Always good for an honest off-the-cuff comment, U.S. Vice President Joe Biden creates a new type of diplomatic policy?  It is the American position that Ukrainian women are beautiful!

• “Biden Talks About Ukraine’s Churches — and Beautiful Women” – Wall Street Journal, July 21, 2009
• “Ukraine women are ‘most beautiful women in the world,’ says Vice President Joe Biden” – NY Daily News, July 22, 2009
• “Joe Biden says Ukrainian women most beautiful. No, seriously..” – FoxNews.com, July 22, 2009
• “Biden: Those Ukrainian Women Are Just Gorgeous!” – Newsweek, July 21, 2009

(Link to Biden-Ukraine women video if this embed does not properly load in your browser, commonly seen with Safari)

Thanks Joe, for an official policy statement that all of America can agree with! (Unless, you think Russian women are prettier!)

People– whether they are adopted children, fiancées, or wives– are people! They are not downloaded, shipped in cartons, warranties and guarantees, or come with return-shipping address labels!

While this warns to “shop wisely,” that also makes one think that children and Russian women are commodity items.  They are not!  This attitude will cause certain failure in your search for a wife or child.

Note that the Hansens never brought the child to a trained child and adoption psychologist.  That may have made a difference for the child and American family.

Imagine if the Hansens had used a trained child psychologist in its “interviews” with the Russian adoption agency, and of the child himself while still in Siberia?  This tragedy may have been avoided, for the betterment of the Hansens, Savelyev, the adoption agencies and agents in America and Russia (and Ukraine), and all the other families and children who are now put into political-legislative limbo as a result of this unusual case.

How does this apply to you?  Olga’s Girlfriends has a trained child adoption and marriage family counselor, who can assist you in any and all steps of your dating, fiancee, pre- and post-marriage relationship, and child adoptions.

Olga’s Girlfriends is committed to the creation of healthy, happy, stable relationships and families.

In this experiment, you will find the answers to the questions not even the Great Sphinx could answer!  What will it take for you to find that Special Woman?  And we will study in ways you thought of before, but not in this way.  You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll disbelieve… but you can’t ignore the data.  You can even try to cheat on your taxes, but you can’t cheat the fact that 4 is bigger than 3.

Let’s start with the basic questions:

Tell me, Great Sphinx, Where can I find the One?

• Where are all the women?
• Are there any women around here?
• Why can’t I meet a good woman?
• Are all the good ones taken?
• What can I do to meet that someone special?
• Is it true? Or does it just seem that way?
• Is there something wrong with me/ them/ where I live/ what I do?

Let’s put this author’s PhD in electronics semiconductors and physics to use in the only way related to women!  (I waited eight years in a semiconductor research lab to do this!)

You will be surprised!  Not only that a semiconductor PhD can be understood, but you will learn about your dating and singleness situation.  Although you will not be asked to send this to ten people or else you will have bad luck, you may want to send it to your best buddies saying “we gotta do this!” as you will find the cure for chronic male singleness.

The question we’re going to answer is: Are there any women out there for me?

To answer this, you can take my data from participation in PhD studies in Dating and Sociology (yes, people got them in the 1990s!) or use your own.  Careful: to obtain your own data, you’ll be out there on the dating scene rather heavily!  Check with your doctor to see if you’re up to it.

Part 1:  Your Environment

Count the number of attractive ladies you could meet this week and next.

What defines “could meet”?

• Bus?  Maybe: if you see her again yes.  If not, she’s a ship in the night.
• Elevator, yes.
• Other side of the street, of course!
• Party?  Yes
• Coffee shop?  Of course!
• Waitress?  No!  Waitresses are Unobtainable.  They are hit upon a million times a day.  Unless she’s Bridget Fonda, and you’re Nicolas Cage, and you have a million-dollar lottery ticket, forget it.
• The attractive (but married) lady at work, who has a picture of her husband and their christmas puppy on her desk?—yes.  Yes?  Yes.
• The ladies in the Singles clubs you’re in?  No: that is not a random population.

We are counting the number of women in your environment whom you find attractive.  Attractiveness is not a function of her dating status.  It is your immediate reaction to seeing her.

Part 2: Your Availables

Are the good ones all taken?

How many of these ladies are available for a date?

Considering the women from part 1, and new ladies this week, look for: are they available?

If she is wearing a wedding or engagement ring, has her arm around a guy, or woman, or has a gorilla’s arm around her, the answer is no.

Not all women wear their rings.  That attractive lady at work might have a picture of a husband and puppy on her desk.  Or, she may be Eastern Orthodox or Russian Orthodox and wear her wedding ring on her right hand.  You could get an undercount of women who are not available.  However, this will be counteracted by the number of women who lie and say they have a boyfriend when they really don’t, and are just trying to blow you off without hurting your feelings.

Now you see the portion of the attractive ladies who are available to you.

Part 3:  Your Interesteds

This can be scary!  This looks at how many of the women you find attractive and are available, are interested in you.  What is interested?

Consider her interested if:

• She gives you her phone number
• Or a smooch after meeting (rare)
• Or a hookup after a meeting (very rare!)
• She gives you a wink, smile… nope! Unless you have a planned re-meeting.

You are looking for obvious signs of interest that can be acted upon to continue towards a date or dating.

Obtain your data this way:

For the next 40 women (at least) you find attractive and available, approach them and chat them up and ask for their phone number.

The Cat Burglar of Love

You never see in the Cary Grant movies the awful truth here.  You will fail over 80% of the time!  In fact, people who run world-renown seminars on picking up women fail 80% of the time, and they are much better at meeting women than you probably are.  Pick Up Artists (PUAs) strike faster than a Stuka!  Are you that confident and skilled? Well, if you have a regular job, hobbies, and don’t spend five nights a week on the prowl, you aren’t.  So, either take 10% as your conversion rate, or experiment on your own.

But you say you don’t meet ladies in “pick up” areas?  You don’t go to such places.  Well, everywhere is a place to meet someone.  The supermarket, launderette, newsstand, subway station, etc.  Women say they don’t like to be hit on at many of such places.  I disagree. No woman would turn down Rhett Butler or Brad Pitt if he sidled up to her in the ice cream aisle.  And a guy who looks like this would never get anywhere, even if the woman got paid a million dollars on a reality tv show.

Some guys have all the luck.  If this guy approached a woman anywhere, anytime, and under any circumstances, she would melt into his arms.  Unless it was illegal for him to flirt with her!

Don't be this guy

And then there’s the guy who couldn’t get a date if his life or the fate of the species depended on it.  You might be made to feel this way on occasion, but if you’re not this guy… you’re not that guy.

Part 4.  Follow-up: Date 1

Are we there yet?  No.  At this point, all you have is a phone number or a promise to meet again somewhere sometime.  Will you see this lady again?  If you have a collection in a drawer of business cards and cocktail napkin phone numbers from the past year, look over them and ask, “Of all these phone numbers, how many women did I meet?”

Let’s look into this.  How many turned into a first follow-up or date?  Any date will do.  Coffee.  Lunch.  Dinner.  Her dog’s obedience class graduation party, as long as it was the first time you met her by making a date, either from the meeting in Part 3, or using her phone number from Part 3.

Hello? Who is this?

Call.  Ask for a date.

If you don’t have data handy, the norm is that half the time you will get an excuse and not meet.  An excuse is anything other than “let’s meet!” or, “I can’t that day, how is…”  A “whenever day” date does not count!

And, when you do have something planned, 1/3 of the time it will fall through without follow-up.

Which means, 1/3 of phone numbers turn into first dates.

Sometimes she’s nice about it.  Sometimes not.  Many women give you a phone number just to be nice about saying no.  This will happen more frequently than a fake phone number, or lying and saying she is seeing someone.  Regardless of what she says, and whether it is true, don’t care.  All that will do is wear you out and bring you down.

Don’t care?  I’m trying to find someone for a relationship!  How can I not care?

Simple: don’t care about her excuse.  It’s one of a million forms of “no” which means nothing about you.  People may begin to say that if you are getting lots of “no’s” then you are trying too hard, have high expectations, bla bla bla.  Ignore them, unless they are introducing you to the beautiful new admin.  Otherwise, tell them that unsolicited advice without assistance or even being asked for is plain ol’ nagging and nay-saying, which is not their job.  If they insist that it is their role as your friend, fire them.

And continue with the experiment!

Part 5.  Getting to the good stuff

To get to the second date, you’ve got to convert Date One successfully into Date Two.  This fraction varies widely from person to person.  Think about your dates from the past year.  If you’re new on the dating scene again, or can’t remember, take 1/2.

Then, from Date Two to Date Three.  Dates 3 and 4 are important for American women.  This is when the questions of sex, consistency of your personality, and becoming a regular thing arise.

Also note that you are getting a sense on her. You may decide she isn’t right to continue pursuing.

Think on your Date 2 → 3 conversion factor.  And your Date 3 → 4 factor.  If you don’t have the data, take 1/3 and 1/3, or 1/10 for both to make it easy on on our napkin.

Part 6.  Regularity

Ok, you’ve dated at least 5 times, and maybe have had sex.  Sizzle or fizzle?  Consider yourself at the entry of “relationship”.  Half of relationships last less than 2 months.

Half yet again last 2 more months.

Only 1 in four relationships go from 2 months beyond 6

So let’s add it up…

If your environment had 2400 women in it whom you would find attractive and were available,

• 240 would be interested in you
• 80 would meet you for that first date
• 40 would turn into a second date
• 4 would make it past date four and become a regular thing
• 2 would disappear or break up by the second month
• 1 would be with you at month 4

If half of four-month-long relationships turn into a year-long relationship, when one considers marriage, then you have about a one-in-ten thousand chance.  That’s right: your environment needs to provide ten thousand ladies for you to meet, mingle, mix, and match to get towards marriage.

Consider the environment.  How many women must there be to provide a dating pool of 10,000?

Factor in the fraction of women who weren’t available.  And then, how many women in your dating age range around you did you find attractive?  One in five?  Be honest!  Consider race, physique, smoking, tattoos, body art, etc.  Say, one in 5.

This turns the dating “target pool” into a population.  If only one in five women were attractive to you, and of those, only one on three were available, then you need 15 women to ask, “should I use butter or margarine?” as an opening line.

This means to create a dating pool large enough to provide one one-year relationship, you need 150,000 women.  Are there enough in your town?

Can you find the one in a million?

A back-of-the-napkin guess can go like this, unless you have handy access to the 2010 Census Data.  If the population profile is roughly flat (it isn’t; it probably sags in the middle), and you are interested in women across a 15-year age range (say, 25 to 40, for you the 38 year old) then that’s about 1/5 the age range.  And, if half the population in that age range is female (again, probably not as women far outnumber men above 65, but this is the back of a napkin!) then you are looking at 1/10 of the town’s total population.

Wow.  You need 1.5 million people for you to have a chance at meeting the right one.  That isn’t because you’re a dork.  Remember: all the data above seemed rather normal.

If you live in a city of three million, then you have 2 potential women for your long-term happiness.  Hope one isn’t divorced from a total jerk and having a bad day when you meet her while standing in line at the bank.  Or, she’s taking her sister’s advice and “not dating” for a year “to see what happens.”  Or the other one’s company sends the her to the foreign office for a six year assignment.  (She could be someone else’s one-in-a-million!)

Unless you move to multiple cities or hope or life on another planet, you must do something to shift the ratios!

How do I turn the Demographics for Dating in my favor?

Go to where the fraction of attractive women in the population is higher.  Not only one in five, but where it seems like all the women are beautiful.  Imagine too that they are all available, because the men have moved to another city in search of jobs, or are in the army because it feeds and pays well.  Imagine a place where the women are less fussy, picky, spoiled, and qualities like interest in marriage and raising a family are valued more than the car you drive.  Where the women show up for the dates as if their life depends on it.

I know what you’re thinking.  ”Such a place doesn’t exist.”

Imagine being the only available man these maidens know?

This place exists!  In fact, there are many such places.  The only problems you have are:

• You think it is too good to be true
• You will be so amazed and happy in this place that you may forget what your “goal” is (hint: you want someone for marriage)
• You don’t know how to get started

This is where Olga’s Girlfriends helps you.  Russia, Ukraine, Belarus are filled with places where beautiful ladies abound, and they seek good husbands.  Russian women need to look for husbands!  Why?  Good, employed, faithful, family-oriented men are not in abundance in many of Russia’s and Ukraine’s cities.  How to win this game? Olga’s Girlfriends matches you to the right dating pond in Russia, Ukraine, or Belarus to find just the right ladies for you, to be matched by the matchmakers based on your and her interests, traits, and life goals.

Click here, or call 877-OLGA-877 to meet Olga's Girlfriends

The choice is yours. Either search through population pools of hundreds of thousands of people, hoping for good timing and placement, being “professionally single” with all the dating methods, but doesn’t find the One after much time and money and heartache.

Or, contact Olga’s Girlfriends and learn how to go from “to good to be true” to “I Do” in about fifteen months.

-Greg Sarcona

President and Chief Romantic Officer

Olga’s Girlfriends.com

Where we left off, you determined that your immediate network of friends and family was not going to generate romantic leads for you if you are deep in your 20’s.  And your friends and family don’t know any new people since the last time you asked them.

Part 2: Getting off my butt

It starts off not so bad.  You go places, like:

World's Greatest Flirt. If only it were this fun!

• Bars
• Clubs
• Parties
• Asking people other than my friends.  Like… my haircut gal
• Flirting in general (supermarket, launderette, lunch spots near work, etc. Or you send the lady at the other restaurant table a drink)

Flirting, tragically a truly lost art, worked well in the days of Cary Grant.  But not in this century.  Maybe your HR Director, the Security Guard, or waitress explained this to you.  Or, more likely your advances, though less outrageous than Pepé Le Pew, are met with scowls or cold inattentiveness.

When a man flirts nowadays, the results are less than ideal

This is when reality occurs to you: that world of fish out there is more chum that bait.  Nine of ten women you think are attractive are married or with someone.  The tenth has a line of men for her that you wonder if she’s the parking valet.  Loud bars suck because you can’t hear.  That is by design.  Loud music means shouting, which means sore throats and dry mouths, which means more drink sales.  As much as people say they don’t like to meet in bars, or date people they meet in bars, where do you think the majority of people in their 20’s hang out?  The same ones who are on average married by age 26-28!  Which means, by 30, at bars, you’re on the tail end of the distribution, chum.  At this point saying “all the good ones are taken” is statistically true.  Take notes the next time you go out.  Tick down all the ladies you find attractive, smile sweetly, laugh like they enjoy life, aren’t afraid to sing karaoke… and then tick out the ones who are married, engaged, or boyfriended.  What’s the ratio?

The new form of "Did you get her number?"

If you are very interested in finding out the volume women available to you for dating, and your success with them, in order to determine how long and hard it will be to meet someone, look into our Dating Demographics- Dating Data and Population Analysis.

Introductions by people-in-common work great for job requests on LinkedIn, but not for dating.  You start by talking about how you know what’s his name.  Either you progress wonderfully from there, or the alternative.  You spend a lot of time wondering: “What was he thinking that I would like her?” Or worse: “What does she think of me that she thought she would be great for me?”  Blind dating is painful.  It works in countries where marriages are arranged; those countries also frequently allow for concubines or multiple wives.  Think about it. And also think this: the other person is thinking those same things about you.  From your experience, what’s the ratio?  I know: you keep trying because it takes only one win and it makes up for the dozen losses.  True, but continually losing affects your confidence, and women say that confidence is the sexiest part about men.  Talk about leading with your chin in a fight.

Parties are the last gasp of fun.  They’re not the real world.  They remind you of the time when drinks were plentiful, as were girls who were available, happy, and emotionally baggage-free.  Some nights you luck out and meet someone.  Some nights you won’t.  When you meet someone, you will have to meet her in the real world.  The one where she has business trips and other personal things that interfere with meeting you.  (If you’re interfering with meeting her, you’re wasting your own time and shame on you!).  The one where she meets  you and isn’t that free and easy going gal you met.  She might spend half her time text messaging about that emergency at work that could cost the company $100,000 unless that thing gets done.  She might not be so quick to share a kiss, and you get pouty and weird about it.  Or vice versa.  The one where after two dates she tells you how wonderful you are, and then disappears as if she went on a nuclear submarine to Ice Station Zebra never to be heard from again.  Who knows?

You quickly learn how to read the ones who are still sleeping with their exes, or are not ready to date but try anyway.  Cougars prowl the perimeter.  You think: “Hmmm…haven’t seen anyone interesting (hot) enough.”  And some places are now disturbingly off limits.  After all, if you spend: 6 hours asleep; 1-2 hours at home showering, shaving, doing bills, calling mom; 2-3 hours commuting… you’re at work  80% of your “available” time 5 days a week!  Those few hours that aren’t working on the general social scene are too precious.  If you spend them all on the prowl you start turning into a vulture on a barstool.  Or the worst: you meet someone.  You click.  At the end of a seemingly magical evening, you exchange phone numbers.  You are introduced to a new term: GUD.  You are geographically undesirable, which means you are too far away, even though you would be the one doing the driving anyway. You won’t even have the chance to kiss her… goodbye.

Benefit: Sociable.  Can have friends with you.

Cost: Almost all your disposable time is spent around women who are probably not available for a date. Mileage, parking, drinks, possible dinner out (no time to cook if you’re on the town after work!) once or twice a week: easily $50, up to $100/week.  Any dates?  You’re up to $10,000/year!

Cost/Benefit Analysis:  Expensive, time-consuming, low probability of success—otherwise you wouldn’t be reading this.

Next, you follow someone’s advice to proceed to “Men’s Dating Series, Part 3: Free Online Dating”.

Read here and continue to see why conventional dating fails men in the US.  And guys, what you can do about it!  If you have the ailment called “chronic male singleness” take this and all subsequent articles on this topic, and call us in the morning!

You will be able to escape the not-so-merry-go-’round on the Wheel of Dating Dysfunction.

Part 1: Least Effort

Part 2: Getting Off My Butt

Part 3: Free Online Dating

Part 4: Online Dating– Why Doesn’t a Site Like eHarmony Work?

Part 5: Events Dedicated to Singles

Part 6: Throw Money at the Problem!  Adventure Clubs and Dinner Clubs

Part 7:  I Need Help! or, Coaches

Part 8: Matchmakers and Matchmaking Companies

Part 9: Psychologists and Psychiatrists… and Sex Therapists???

Part 10:  Russian Brides

Specific to Russian Brides (and when I say Russian Brides, I include ladies from Ukraine, Belarus, and other “Former Soviet”/FSU countries) you will see where the fallacious notions of Russian Brides, and the men who pursue them, arise.

Who am I?  I’m a writer with Olga’s Girlfriends.  What qualifies me?  Doctoral research studies involving dating.  Yep, you could actually do that in the 90’s.  Get a PhD in Psychology or Sociology for that, I mean.  I also give you cost/benefit analyses.  See, I’m not just any loudmouth.  I have advanced analytical, mathematical, and logic skills, including professional certifications in each and a resume to match.

So let me make the first bold declaration when it comes to dating and men:

Men are lazy

That isn’t bad.  It just means that they are looking for the least amount of work to generate the desired results is the ideal solution!

What is the “desired result”?  We will consider a relationship destined for long-term dating and marriage, not one-night flings and other salacious satisfactions.  This article series will look at the costs, benefits, cost/benefit analyses and expected ROI of each of these dating and wife-seeking methods.

My writing style is “to you,” because I know this is about you, and not “your friend”

To paraphrase Hans und Franz: “Enough talk.  We’re here to learn!”  So class, sit down and take notes…

Where do I go to find a good woman?

Part 1: Least effort!

• Women I already know
• Women they know
• Friends of Friends (FOF) or friends of family members

You’ve been doing this by default for a long time.  If you had a sister, you lucked out in high school.  Either you were the cute younger brother and had her older girlfriends to adore as you hit puberty, or you had a younger sister and had lots of her friends to learn dating from, trial-and-error style.

College has come and gone.  Maybe your first marriage, too.  When FOF doesn’t work, you start to noticeably not have dates, and you worry.  Or your mother asks, and you have no answer to the question, “Are you seeing anyone?”  And you have incentive because of your upcoming High School Reunion, Holiday Party at work, Best Friend’s Wedding where your ex will be a bridesmaid, etc.  If you are in your twenties, you probably go through your phone book calling all your flames from high school.  You know you did.  As you ended your twenties, you noticed that the world was pairing up fast. The average age of first marriage in the US is 26 for women and 28 for men.  If you’re in your 30’s, you correctly notice your friends are all married, and don’t know anyone single other than “that <expletive deleted> who thinks she can get what she wants by <more deletion> with her boss/ my friend / the ex she stole from me/ etc.”  And your guy friends aren’t allowed to know anyone enticing enough for you, unless his wife thinks she is a threat to their relationship, and this will make for an awful first-meet double-date.

If you’re in your 40’s, your friends have kids!  And you think their schoolteacher is cute; you will never meet her.  (Have you?)  50’s? 60’s?  You may want a younger woman because you want to be excited. There is nothing wrong with that!  But you probably aren’t told that in politically-correct public.  They try to shame you that you’re interested in women your daughter’s age.  Don’t listen to “They.”  “They” aren’t good at math.  “They” don’t care about your interests and life fulfillment.  You aren’t interested in peri-menopausal women; they remind you of your grandmother who may be wonderful but you’ve never thought of her in some particular ways.  Or you may want a woman your age, which is also fine and in which case you are lucky as demographics are finally tilting in your favor.

For the rest of this analysis, let’s assume you want a woman to have a family with, or be a good mother for your kids.  Those are the men I want to work with anyway.

To summarize, regarding the Easy-pickin’s Friends of Friends/Family method:

Benefit: Easy.  Works for men under-30 and over 60

Cost: Diminishing returns accelerates after 30.  Opportunities dry up fast.

Cost/Benefit Analysis: If you’re 30+, this will be increasingly ineffective until you’re 60 and in the retirement set. If you want a family, get ready for the next step!

Well, time to put down the phone and get off the couch.  In other words, “Men’s Dating Series, Part 2: Getting Off My Butt” next.